Where does the time go? It seemed like only yesterday I was roaming the small, yet densely packed, merch room at the Crown Plaza O’Hare, voraciously scouring items in my never ending quest to find The Single Worst Thing For Sale™: G-Fest XIX…The Reckoning.
I don’t want to say that the service I provide is laborious, but there are times where one can find themselves waist deep in baubles so unfit for purchase that on their best day they would be considered merely garbage. These are the days I comb through picture after terrible picture to find the one item that has no price low enough; no noble collector desperate enough; no inherit value high enough to warrant an actual purchase. These are the days that haunt my sleep.
Sometimes, it’s ridiculously easy.
The two pictures below might represent the front runner for The Single Worst Thing For Sale Ever™. These pictures have so much going for them that I feel like commentary is unnecessary. While that may be the case, shut up, you’re still getting it.
Not pictured: box of VCRs; anyone remotely interested.
To the untrained eye, this might look like a box of assorted VHS tapes placed haphazardly to the side. I’ve been in this game too damn long to brush aside a lead like this. I moved in to investigate.
Upon closer inspection we see this sign:
VHS VIDEOS. All caps for serious buyers.
10 fo $1? When you are in a business this hot, you don’t have any damn time for proofreading.
What I like best about these tapes (and unfortunately I don’t have a better picture) is that many of them are without labels. It’s essentially a whole box of mystery tapes.
- Could it be some unsuspecting divorcé’s third wedding on tape? POSSIBLY!
- How about a poor kid’s entire unlabeled porn collection? MAYBE!
- What about three quarters of a football game, seamlessly interrupted by the second half of a basketball game, mired in static? WHO KNOWS!
- Or is it the off chance that 1 (or even as high as 6) may be my self-written/directed/produced sex tape? I dropped in a few to increase the odds.
Naturally I purchased 37 of them (all that I had left of my roll of dimes), and started processing them as soon as I got home.
The horrors I’ve seen.
Box of VHS VIDEOS (10 fo $1), you are The Single Worst Thing For Sale™ G-Fest XIX edition.
But wait, there’s more!
BONUS THE SINGLE WORST THING FOR SALE™ SDCC 2012 EDITION!
A man is lucky when he is surrounded by friends he can count on in times of need. A man is even luckier when he has a friend that will spend his precious little time at SDCC looking for terrible things for sale.
The stuff of nightmares: overpriced schlock
This picture comes from our main man at Nakama Toys and it features something near and dear to my heart: the Kool-Aid man shilling some limited time flavor.
There’s nothing worse as a kid than developing a deep, emotional (and chemical) attachment to a specific flavor of Kool-Aid, only to find out that those dick holes at Kraft ended the promotion. Oh, it’s November? No more Ghoulaid for you young one, just a Surfin’ Berry punch in the ol’ bean bag.
The price is also atrocious. 10 dollars?! Converted to things that I actually care about, that’s the equivalent of 100 mystery VHSs at G-Fest. Why wouldn’t I want to increase my odds of finding random porn by a factor of 10?
There better be a shitload of Kool-Aid points on the back.
Mint in package Ghoulaid, you are The Single Worst Thing For Sale™ SDCC 2012 edition.
Thanks again to the fine folks at Nakama Toys for the pic!